this blog was meant for me to pour out my unhappiness w/ being a slave -- aka a resident. it's been over a year since i posted anything. how horrible.

i've been posting to other blogs. i guess after all the living of it, i'm tired of the writing it.

so now i'm in my pgy-4 yr. almost done. graduate in june.

i'm studying for my final exam to get my medical licensure. i am not happy about another exam.

my program has lost more attendings than the proverbial rats fleeing a sinking ship. programs in general are on probation. the hospital is about to explode.

and i'm taking a mental health day in order to not deal. i just want to stop. get off this merry-go-round.

it's raining in paradise today. it's been a cool winter for us, surprisingly.

me?

Salsa / Flowers / Eccentric / Music / Lyrics / Poetic / Dreams / Romance/ Imagination / God / Redemption / Emancipation / African / Unique / Kung Fu / Cartoons / Cooking / Can Do / Love / Life /

i am at a bit of a something.

i have two other blogs.

forever attempting to consolidate my blogs.

failing miserably.

this was supposed to chronicle my life as a resident. but i haven't been here in a long time. so let's just change that to chronicling my poems/short stories? i want somewhere to place them so that i can eventually copyright them into a book.

fever

we are sick.
sicker than sicko
sicker than anything anyone has ever said about sick
we doctors are sick
we no longer hold dear the importance of touch, of caress, of smiles, of hugs
we heal w/ drugs, with tests, with labs, with x-rays and pale liquids
we who are entrusted w/ the calling to heal
need to be healed

you must be making dolo!

what? you crazy?

ain't no doctor making no kind of millions unless they are (in no particular order)

1) plastic surgeon
2) neurosurgeon
3) dermatologist
4) radiologist
5) physician to the "stars"

and no, i'm NOT A STUDENT! what in the world is going on here? obviously medicine has been so shrouded in mystery that the plebians haven't any idea what i do.

after college i, like thousands of other altruistic souls, went to medical school. for some medical school is 4 years hard labor and gruel. for others it was longer. i fit in the category of the latter. so on graduation day in med school i get to borrow a gown that has three black sashes on the arms (indicating that i have reached a pinnacle of academic success unmatched by 95% of the populace) and dark green stripes. the dark green stripes indicate that i am one of the few, the proud, the doctors!

so now i have all the head knowledge to be a doctor, a physician, a medicine wo/man BUT and ladies and gents, here's a BIG BUT (i like big butts and i can not lie...hahaha...i actually don't like big butts but i figured a little pop culture is good for the numb soul); in order to PRACTICE medicine i need to undergo some mind-numbingly soul piercing years of specialized training known as....RESIDENCY!

so all these tired but hopeful medical students who have just left their respective and hallowed halls of medical school now disperse into groups of individuals at different hospitals across the country with the sole purpose of acquiring specialized knowledge in their specialized field. how many specialized fields are there? according to the American Board of Medical Specialties there are over ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE specialties and subspecialties...

okay, so that means that after med school, your MD now has to go through some kind of initiation rites to become a....[fill in the blank]. These are not salad eating student years. these are pedal to the metal, boots to the combat field, shoelaces tied up, armor shield up, phasors drawn, gas mask on, YES YOU ARE WORKING OVER 80 HOURS A WEEK W/ MULTIPLE 24 HOUR CALLS AND YOU AIN'T GONNA SAY ONE WORD, years.

yup, your average MD is working 6/7 days a week, over 80hours. and you wonder why they're so tired hunh? well, just b/c we're big bad doctors doesn't mean we get big bad money.

right now i am receiving roughly $50,000 a year PRE TAXES. that's the first *ouch*. so if you take out $10,000 for taxes then i'm making about $40,000. this works out to about $3000/mo. the second ouch is working around 80 hours a week. so technically i'm getting $18 an hour. that's not bad yeah?

so add rent at $900/mo (absolute steal); $600/mo to repay 2 of my loans 'cause they can't be deferred, $200/mo car insurance, $300/credit card debt incurred while in med school and trying to live, $200/mo communication (cell and dsl), $70/mo for electric, $150/mo gas, $200/mo for food, $20 laundry...and we've got a grand total of $2640 GONE out of the $3000. that leaves about $360 a month for ANYTHING. brakes needed to be done??? that was $300 gone. door window was jammed? $200 gone.

soooo what am i saying? pity me? NOPE. i don't want your pity. what i do want is for you to get the picture. i'm not filthy rich. i'm just trying to make it - just like you...

yeah, but you'll be making millions...

what? you crazy?

ain't no doctor making no kind of millions unless they are (in no particular order)

1) plastic surgeon
2) neurosurgeon
3) dermatologist
4) radiologist
5) physician to the "stars"

and no, i'm NOT A STUDENT! what in the world is going on here? obviously medicine has been so shrouded in mystery that the plebians haven't any idea what i do.

after college i, like thousands of other altruistic souls, went to medical school. for some medical school is 4 years hard labor and gruel. for others it was longer. i fit in the category of the latter. so on graduation day in med school i get to borrow a gown that has three black sashes on the arms (indicating that i have reached a pinnacle of academic success unmatched by 95% of the populace) and dark green stripes. the dark green stripes indicate that i am one of the few, the proud, the doctors!

so now i have all the head knowledge to be a doctor, a physician, a medicine wo/man BUT and ladies and gents, here's a BIG BUT (i like big butts and i can not lie...hahaha...i actually don't like big butts but i figured a little pop culture is good for the numb soul); in order to PRACTICE medicine i need to undergo some mind-numbingly soul piercing years of specialized training known as....RESIDENCY!

so all these tired but hopeful medical students who have just left their respective and hallowed halls of medical school now disperse into groups of individuals at different hospitals across the country with the sole purpose of acquiring specialized knowledge in their specialized field. how many specialized fields are there? according to the American Board of Medical Specialties there are over ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE specialties and subspecialties...

okay, so that means that after med school, your MD now has to go through some kind of initiation rites to become a....[fill in the blank]. These are not salad eating student years. these are pedal to the metal, boots to the combat field, shoelaces tied up, armor shield up, phasors drawn, gas mask on, YES YOU ARE WORKING OVER 80 HOURS A WEEK W/ MULTIPLE 24 HOUR CALLS AND YOU AIN'T GONNA SAY ONE WORD, years.

yup, your average MD is working 6/7 days a week, over 80hours. and you wonder why they're so tired hunh? well, just b/c we're big bad doctors doesn't mean we get big bad money.

right no

communication is a 2 way...

street they say. then how come i've had such difficulty trying to keep in contact w/ folk?

maybe b/c we're all super super tired. sometimes though you don't want to have to ASK people to contact you. sometimes you just want people to DO IT. i don't know how. i don't care how. just do it people. remember that there are folks out there who would love to hear from you!

folks who are suffering through working 6 out of 7 days, listening to patients drone on and on about their lack of social security, their dysfunctional families, their destructive drug addictions and their hallucinations! these people who patiently listen to other people's problems all day long DO NOT want to hear yours.

in fact what they would love is for you to pick up the stinking phone and or open your email account and send them something -anything that reminds them that they are human. how about a funny ecard, or a silly joke or maybe even gasp, a real live actual snail card??? oh my gosh!

yeah man, don't call me talking 'bout your drama. like they say on TNT, I know drama! call me so we can talk about oil companies sucking up our few dollars or about the presidential history being made in a country of quiet racists! what about the start of "summer" and catching fireflies at dusk? man, i would just love to hear someone talk to me about traveling far far away to the Cote d'Azur to eat fresh fish caught by the ocean or lay in the sun?

something! dang!